I’m not going to complain about my pain, or how sad and depressed I have been all week or any of the poor me stuff.

On the contrary, I am in a very happy and upbeat mood on this, my 51st birthday.  It has nothing to do with my birthday. It just happens to coincide is all.

First off, I slept almost all day Sunday (which I needed badly) and woke up today to the sun and warmth of a beautiful fall day in the northern lower peninsula of Michigan.

Secondly, I finally received my Neulasta injection, which is very important to the building of blood cells after chemotherapy sessions.   But there also lies my one problem with the whole deal.

See, one 6 ml syringe of neulasta costs $3600 ……..you read that right.   That is the problem, If I have 8 cycles in this round of chemotherapy (possible) that comes to over 26k for the 8 single syringes of neulasta by the end of this round.   Which, in and of itself, is not a back breaker, but all these little medicines cost an enormous amount.  There are many.  Not to mention the procedures and clinic visits that are involved and you may be able to see where I’m going with this…….

Many people in America are not as lucky as me to have great health benefits from their workplace.  What about the families that have worked hard all of their lives and not caught their “american dream”?  It’s a huge drain on nearly half of all the people in this country.  Of the 6 ml that make up the neulasta injection, about 5% of it is the actual drug, which would put the cost of an actual 6 ml of neulasta 20 x 3600 (or just about $72,000), the rest of it is a mixture of sterile liquids that are safe to inject into your body without having to worry about hurting yourself.

Which puts it at just about one of the most expensive fluids on earth seemingly.  Still, I understand its value, but What I dont understand is why do they have to squeeze every cent of profit out of it??

It’s been a tough week….but I am very happy to say that like all things that dont kills us, I think I am stronger.  have a nice day!

I got over it,  like most of us “get over” things that make our lives harder.  I dont know how or when but it was long before I had to face this evil.  So for that I am happy.

drugs, alcohol, debauchery at its best!  what a fuckin ride.  I look back and can see the faces of many friends who did not make it out……….I used to wonder if I would.  well i did.

Hemingway didnt have any more fun than we did…..he was just a better writer and ended up drinking himself into a suicidal state…sadly, but perhaps fittingly because it was much more dramatic and someday they will make a fine film about the life of ernest hemingway…..and the things that drove a genius crazy with paranoia, alcoholism and mental disease.  I am not comparing my life to hemingway’s, lol, nothing could be further from the truth, he had so many  interesting adventures and actually could write.

I am actually just feeling grateful that whatever epiphany stopped my karmic trainwreck came along……….because that’s all it could have been was a miracle, right?

Well, that depends on who you talk to i guess.  some would tell you that what defines and shapes our lives are 10% what happens to us  and 90% how we react to these things.

I am more of the ilk that MIRACLE is an awfully big word to be throwing around.  I tend to lean more toward the “life is a series of lessons, these lessons will be presented to you over and over until you master them” school of thought.  Which squarely puts the onus on us for responsibility of action, thought and our presentation in this life.

there are those who would claim “karmic forces”  and I won’t call them wrong, or you, whatever your beliefs may be.  But……..wait….doesn’t karma come back to you the way you send it out??  that would insinuate a bit of responsibility for action, i would think.

this is a pointless post, I mean I am not trying to make a point or sway your thoughts in any way, just sharing.

Anytime someone tells me they got a raw deal I am tempted to tell them that they “took” the raw deal themselves.  It’s our choice how we react to adversity…..what we decide to take from situations that we put ourselves in……there are very few miracles….and we are just a bit to co-dependent on god to make miracles.

We must control our own reactions to life.

Who am I but you and the sun

A sad reflection of everyone

Was it me who let you walk away?

Were you the one or is it we’re the same?

What are we in time going by?

The simple story of a younger life

Half in dreams and somehow thru the day

We haven’t come so far to lose our way

Chorus

Look at me

I believe it’s true

You’re a part of me

I’m a part of you

Love is only what we come to live

The waking, breathing, and all we give

A crystal passing reflected in our eyes

Eclipsing all the jealousy and lies

Chorus

Quiet as the voices in a dream

Without you, shadowed, the things I see

Remember the evening I let you walk away

Were you the one or is it we’re the same?

Laurie PA-C, one of Dr. Schuetze’s  assistants, stopped by the unit a few minutes ago.  she took the time to talk to me and tell me that she was sorry that I had to go through more treatments and that she was pulling for me.  I told her we can beat this down and she said yeah we can.  After the pleasantries I asked her about prognosis for this.  She did admit that she hadn’t read my file in a while but promised to.  She also asked me exactly what was going on with me.  So I filled her in.   She did tell me that she was thinking with The Doc using such an aggressive treatment, that she imagined he wanted to shrink some tumor so that they can go in and take the tumor out instead of the rest of the lung.  I am going to email my doctor and ask exactly what his plan is.

I had a long talk with my friend last night about life and death and the people we have lost and the different ways that people grieve……it was good.  we traded stories about family members who had died and how they lived and just about everything.  I found out that I am not the only person who takes issue with grieving and the way some people do.

I think the U of M Cancer Center is one of the best in the world but when you are sitting in one of the chairs it doesn’t even cross your mind until you notice the way they efficiently and dutifully take care of patients in an orderly manner.  It really can be impressive sometimes to see them flying around the Infusion Unit ……..3 nurses with 9 beds and 2 medical assistants.

this is making me nauseous today….I hate feeling like this.  But i keep reminding myself that this is the easy part……it gets progressively worse until you get to the point that ur almost a zombie for all practical purposes.  so i wont complain  now……………

Still can’t figure out why I have a million thoughts in my head and i cant type fast enough to get them on this page all at once………..frustrating.

disorientation setting in now…….not real bad but i feel kinda like im dummying up a bit……

I’m tired today.  my appetite is good which my nurse “janie” told me is a good thing and i knew that.  She was here 2 years ago when i was and there was another nurse here this morning when i got here that remembered me also.

Nice peeps but like any people that work closely together, they have their moments.  Funny watching a bunch of ladies work together in an office.  I guess it aint much different than many of the interactions that we had in our little office at the casino…..lol.

I kind of feel voyeuristic so I can understand what you mean……and when i read back my earlier posts I kinda feel the same way.  Yes, this could tend to become very personal, but what the heck.

I wont scare you and I’ll be real with you.  Promise.   Being connected with family and friends is what drives my life these days, along with my fondness for the grandfathers and my extended family and so on and so forth……we can talk about it later….there’s plenty of time..

That’s really the reason I moved this from facebook to here, because I will be sharing some very personal stuff with you and no matter how long I live(hopefully another 30 years or so), this will be here ……Its not only about me its about all of us…….we can share memories of friends and family……..anything.

I am so glad my niece Kelly talked me into this.

The nurse that installed the pump, Maria, is a strong black woman, with her Whitney Houston “bodyguard” hairdo.  she is funny and she enjoys her job obviously, which is good.  she is a good person to have in patient education.

My nurse is named Kee today, she is nice and has been informative about what is going on.  Now she is telling me that I will be out of here about 8 p.m. because she hooked up my Mesna at noon and 8 hours after the Mesna starts, ur outta here boy….lol.

Very bustling place here at the Infusion Unit.

It’s almost shift change…..I can tell by the bossy blond who just got here……lol.

There must be some problem in one of the rooms…..a doctor just showed up and asked someone what the problem was.   Someone is going to the ER with a temp of 104.6.   Pretty rough stuff.  this is a scary place.  there are people in all stages of cancer and all different rounds of chemotherapy.  Well, they wheeled the guy in room 9 out of here and to the ER.  It’s all very hush hush ……

So……. honestly, many of these people getting treatment here look like they stepped out of a George Romero movie.  I can remember the first time I came to chemo here…….it was odd and scary to see so many people so very sick…….It scared the crap out of me and was one of the worst parts about my first go round with chemotherapy.

We begin at 730 in the morning again the next 2 days…..

drip………..drip…….drip………….it’s been a long day!

I didn’t sleep for hours last night even though I couldn’t keep my eyes open during the ball game.  Now I am in Family Waiting at the U of M Hospital.  My appointment is for 1030 a.m. but they want me there at 0930 of course so I can wait some more.

They are placing a port in my chest so that they can run Chemotherapy 24 hrs a day while I’m here in Ann Arbor.  The plan is to pump the one chemo 24 hours a day for the 3 days I’m here for treatment.  meanwhile I will be spending 8-10 hours a day for the next 3 days in the Infusion Unit here while they drip a second kind of Chemo into me (I tried to call Chemo “medicine” but I can’t bring myself to do that).

I’m not looking forward to this but I do know that they are trying to get something positive done for me.

I sit here in the corner of the Family Waiting room at a table pretty well tucked away, watching, listening……feeling how scared and worried these many family members are for their loved ones while trying to stay calm on the exterior.  One family is talking about how little one of the sisters have helped out and how little she must really know about what a hardship she has created for all of them.   Families grieve in the strangest ways.

The G____ family just got called up by the receptionist here and must have received bad news because 3 or 4  of them came back crying tears of worry and I’m sure prayerful tears at the same time.   They decided to go have something to eat because as the father said “there’s nothing we can do here”.

H1N1 is a topic of conversation in the waiting room too.  I am scared as hell about that crap.  That’s all I need is to catch the swine flu while my immune system is completely compromised by these treatments.

My stomach is growling as I haven’t eaten since last evening at around 7 p.m.  I wanted to eat while i was watching the game last night but I wasn’t hungry a bit.  Now I am though, no food or drink after 330 am.  lucky me.  At least I can get a power bar out of one of the vending machines after I get out of my little surgical excursion here today.

One good thing is that I ‘m sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight since I will still have some anesthesia in me ..maybe I’ll sleep all afternoon and into the evening.

This shit sucks, I’m scared shitless and seem as if I’m the most calm person in this whole waiting room. I want to run and hide under a bed somewhere so that cancer can’t find me and it will go away.  Of course I know that is a childish thought, but it’s valid.  I’m lonely and I just got goosebumps.  this shit sucks.

I hate the idea of being put under anesthesia again…….I hate it.  It’s such a strange feeling, just blackness……..totally time that is just stolen from your life.  It like a space of time in your life that you can’t account for no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes I can feel the pressure on my lung and it scares me.  I don’t like the idea of being able to feel a tumor through my skin….but that’s what I think it is.  It feels funny and hard under my ribcage and above my stomach.

I haven’t really written that much since I’ve been sitting here for the last hour and 1/2.   Just watching people and I am so in a daze sometimes that I have to physically snap out of it.

I have to be in my reception area by 0930…….so I guess I’m gonna sign it off for now and slowly work my way down there.

post script……….

I was awake completely throughout the installation process  of my port ………..talking with doctors and attendants…….

I will talk about many things here.  Memories, the future, my cancer treatments, family, friends, my crazy thoughts (if any), my hopes, fears and triumphs (or losses), almost anything is open to discussion and dissection.

This link will be posted on my Facebook page so my friends can get here easily if they wish too.  I am doing this blog because I don’t wish to live some things about my life at this point on the FB newsfeed.   I am coming into a very personal and trying time in my life and I would really just rather share much of it with family and friends that actually know me.

I do hope that people find my posts interesting and enjoy them.